A breakthrough

[Ivan]

Hi friends,

I would like to share a little breakthrough with you here. I wouldn't call it one yet, but I have the feeling that it is going into the right direction and will be one soon.

In the past few years I have been focusing on creating a new life for myself, especially on the level of finances. I am really happy with where things are going now! Although I work very hard, I am achieving results I have never achieved before.

However, the relationship part of my life has not been that good in the past few years. I had a few experiences here and there, but nothing that was really fulfilling.

I was dating this girl last december, but like in most of my relationships I was not feeling very comfortable or happy. I was blaming it on external sources and did not really want (dare?) to face the internal stuff that this originated from. Then this person moved to another city and I have not had that much contact with her.

This summer however she returned for the summer and she started off in a very turbulent way. I was having a lot of anxiety when dealing with her and she had a lot of anger towards me.

However, I have used all my awareness and knowledge that I have gathered over the years (a lot of which I learned from Erika) in order to COMMIT myself to solving this "problem" of always pushing away my partners.

How have I done it?

First of all I opened myself up to seeing this person from a different side, but more precisely I because more present with her, just focusing on our interactions.

Secondly, I have suspended all my judgments towards her. I rather became curious about her nature, accepting the fact that not every one should fit into my preconceptions.

Further I have set aside all the past issues between us and have put my full focus on EMPATHY towards her (she is not in a very stable life situation right now). This is an empowering place to come from and really helps to with my masculine energy, which in turn draws more feminine energy out of women.

Then I became present with my anxiety which was coming up when being with that person. This anxiety is something that I often used to have with women of a high emotional nature. I used to withdraw emotionally from women, from the moment there was a clash. I was afraid of women's emotinal power. (this probably comes from my experiences with my mom, who is a very emotionally charged woman).

I am happy to report that my anxiety has been lifted for a big part. I must say that I did lot of tapping after our intimate encounter on Sunday, which triggered some of the old issues. And it seems like I have released quite a lot. I am delighted to seeing her tomorrow and will see how this progresses.

I feel like I'm more present with women in general now.

So, although this issue is not completely solved, I feel like I have achieved something new. I could have run away from it, but instead I COMMITTED to resolving this. In might not be the lat time I have to work on this, but I think this will finally lead me to a solution of one of the biggest challenges in my life.

questions and comments welcome!
Ivan

[Erika Awakening]

Very cool to hear this Ivan, I love how your focus is just on being present and noticing what is coming up ... very in alignment with what we practice here.

Just to throw something new into the mix, I am more and more convinced that the "special relationship" just doesn't work. People can try to make it work thousands of different ways, yet it always seems to lead to problems in the end. A Course in Miracles is very clear about it. I personally have relinquished romantic love - "there is no love but God's." That's not to say that something cannot be learned from all relationship encounters. It's just to say there is an option of no longer holding a romantic relationship as a goal, and I am finding this brings a lot of peace.

[Ivan]

Thanks Erika. Note that I am NOT talking here about a special relationship. This relationship is a catalyst for me and represents ALL my relationships with women. Once I am able to overcome the issues with this woman, it will be transferred to other relationships too. As I wrote, I can already notice progress with other women too!

good stuff

[Annbros]

Ivan this is great and I love how you are using it on all your relationships with women. I would say this is a BIG breakthrough and one not to be underestimated! Keep us posted on how things progress!

[elaineenlightening]

Great insights, Ivan! Way to stay tuned in, rather than dissociating from the discomfort! I love your determination to clear the blocks!

[Ivan]

Thanks every one! So, I've had some progress in this again. My communication has improved. I am less afraid of hearing expression of the more unpleasant things and expressing without getting defensive.

Although some of the old patterns are coming back, I am MUCH more comfortable being intimate with this person (which will probably transfer to other relationships too). I used to feel some kind of guilt for my resistance (which lead to wanting to 'escape' the relationships) and this also seems to be gone. So, good stuff. I'm looking forward to how this evolves.

In general my goal is to be comfortable with intimacy (since I think this is a problem I had in general and not necessarily connected to one person) and get deeper into it, without much attachment. I feel like having a goal in life helps with this.

Ivan

[Mike Park]

I like how you became very curious about her instead of being judgmental. Self-awareness of repeating patterns is probably why you had a huge shift, you finally broke the pattern instead of going on autopilot in the pain-body! good job!

You keep saying that shes "too crazy". maybe she's reflecting the part of you that's too crazy, that you don't want to see in yourself? Shadow-self tapping, and reading through "dark side of the light chasers" by Debbie Ford(15 week course required book) is something I've been honing into in my tapping, and I think it can help you as well.

And this doesn't exist in a vacuum, heal the relationship, and it'll also heal your relationship with money as well!

[Erika Awakening]

Mike, you are sounding like a coach - yes agreed. Great noticing by Ivan, and great suggestions by you. 15-week grads doing us proud. Way to go, guys

[Ivan]

Mike, thanks for the suggestion. I do must say, it's a bit theoretical. I really don't believe that the crazyness is a reflection of my shadow, but rather me being TRIGGERED by it. It probably triggers the part of me that is still trying to escape my mother's emotional outbursts. I am used to control my emotions and be rational about life, but when I am faced with a woman that lives in a purely emotional world, I kinda shut down. This is the part that I need to address. Just going with the flow of emotions going into another level of perception. Of course when it is on such an intimate level, the triggering is much deeper than usual.

[Ivan]

I decided to delete my last longer post, because I intuitively felt that it did not come from the right place.