A breakthrough

[Ivan]

Erika, is this YOUR experience, or the experience of ALL people you know? If not that maybe there is a chance that there IS something to sex.

Anyway, today I did something interesting. I went to the meeting of a polyamory group here in Berlin. I did not stay for the whole thing, but enough to see how it was. The interesting thing is that the people there are quite different than I expected. They are all quite spiritual and the energy was great. Also, some of them are extremely experienced in this area. In fact there were people who were poly for over 30 years! From that one hour I learned quite a lot and my consciousness definitely expanded. It's a place to expand the reality and learn how to communicate in relationships. The topics discussed were quite important once to me as well, such as what honesty means and what the values in such a relationship usually are. I'll definitely keep going there.

[Erika Awakening]

Ivan, cool to hear about your experience. Yea there are a lot of highly conscious poly communities emerging, it seems.

I am still open to something new happening. I know pleasure is a dead end and of the ego and it's all about the hamster wheel. There could be possibly a way to have sex without that ... I experienced something five years ago that I cannot explain in any logical way. Tough to get specialness out of sex though. There are a lot of people I have absolutely no interest in having sex with ... and specialness is a real problem ... so ... I don't know ...

[Erika Awakening]

actually Ivan I thought there wasn't going to be any shift. I recorded two sets of 30 videos that I haven't released about sex and relationships and then started the Grief Releasing Challenge (http://tapsmarter.com/grief).

88 videos in to all this, I was like "fuck this is not going to shift, there is so much heaviness here." And then tonight I recorded #29 and #30 of the third Challenge ... and suddenly something happened. something big shifted. after all that pessimism about sex, there is now a ... maybe this could be something totally different than what we've experienced before ...

[Ivan]

Nice Erika! Congrats!

Actually in my case. I invited her to my place to day to openly talk about things. I really did my best to tell her what was going on with me. But she was just sitting there and saying nothing. When I asked her thoughts she said: "you were the one who invited me and who as an issue, I don't know what to say". Then I said: "I don't think I'm ready for such a relationship now". Then she left.
man, the most awkward breakup of my life! But I'm glad I did this. I didn't see this going anywhere.

So, unfortunately as opposed to the last case, there was no breakthrough there.

btw. funny fact: the girl that I wrote about in my previous posts reappeared! On fact, she invited me to a parts a WAS ALREADY going to with my new girl. I found out that she know people who know my other girl (well, quite logical since they are both Armenian and the community is pretty small). So we were both there. I was worried about the ex girl's reaction, but it was all fine at the end.

Today I tapped the whole day, preparing for my monumental conversation, which turned out to be a disaster anyway . But the tapping was helpful.

[Ivan]

ok, I think I might be hitting some kind of a breakthrough here. Recently I've been getting some real wake up slaps in my face. After I broke up with the last girl, "coincidentally" my last girl was in town and I met up with her. She was sensing my state and started showering me with accusations and criticism. Some of it was spot on. And yesterday I suddenly got a letter from the last girl, explaining me how fucked up the whole ending was. What she went through in that last week (where I got sick, had an emotional breakdown and at the end decided to end the relationship). Of course one can see things from different perspectives, but this is not my intention here.

My main intention is to understand what empathy means, because I seem to be really lacking it. This also means understanding what the other person is going through when dealing with me. In this case, this means facing some really painful emotions!! When I read that letter I realized how fucked up I acted (not intentionally, but due to lack on empathy and really understanding my emotions).

In the last few years after I started my journey of discovery, especially in the realm of women, I have locked down my heart under layers of theories and artificial mindsets. However, I also lost touch with my deepest emotions and empathy. This is why I could not feel what was happening and plowed through situations insensitively.

My intention now is to open up my emotions and to develop a sense of empathy. This means also facing some really painful emotions.

I believe, or at least I really hope that I am now conscious enough to go through this and not end up back in a place of guilt and shame (like I was before).

The question is: how to combine empathy and vulnerability with being strong and confident as opposed to feeling guilty and dialing myself down? This is something I need to experience.

[Ivan]

OK, some progress here. I was quite devastated in the last couple of days. The whle time I was thinking about the letter that I got and how how I completely fucked up the whole situation. Sometimes it's important to set explanations aside and admit how one fucked things up and apologize wholeheartedly. This is what I'm gonna do in the next few days (first I need to get to my self again).

Yesterday I was really devastated, I needed to get out. In fact, I did something that was a bit on the edge, but apparently the right thing to do: I went to a strip club . I stayed there for about 40 min and left, not int the mood of watching the almost naked girl dance for me. But on a subconscious level it really helped me! Then I just went around the neighborhood, went into a bar, had a beer and went back home feeling much better. Today, I still struggled with my emotions, but it was really much better. I realize now how much this is pushing me outside of my comfort zone. It's a good experience to get slapped in the face once in a while .


Now I need to calm down and write her a sincere and honest reply (not with the intention of getting back together, but with the intention of expressing myself, saying that I'm sorry).

[Ivan]

OK, the story continues. After feeling like shit for a few days and attending a very intense seminar this weekend that has brought many emotions to the surface, I have done the next step (into hopefully the right direction).

I tapped on much stuff that came out, especially on my feelings of guilt related to this whole situation (it's actually a pattern that I seem to have).

Today I decided to call the girl, to say that I'm sorry for everything that I fucked up. I was a tough conversation (kinda like I expected), at the end we came to some kind of a conclusion. I didn't feel a connection, so I couldn't express the right things. The problem is probably in me, and I really need to address it.

I feel calmer now, and I want to close this case. Things are quite clear now.

Also, I found out that my colleague were saying all kind of stuff to her, behind my back. Asking her, turning the things that I told them around. There goes my illusion that I was in a "safe" environment at work. I will be SOO happy to get out of there in two months. And never again! No more job for me, no thanks. Time for freedom!

I've learned a lot from this experience. On to the next one (hopefully a good one this time! ). .

[Ivan]

update: after I spoke to her, she called me back and we talked for another 2 hours! Seemed to have clarified some things. Will see her at work tomorrow. Let's see how it goes then.

[Erika Awakening]

Hi Ivan, Thanks for sharing. It does sound like some kind of breakthrough. Beyond just recognizing the impact, I think it's worth questioning the entire thing ... all the rituals and assumptions of the "special relationship" ... I personally think they are doomed to failure because they are not in alignment with the new consciousness. Thus the ritualistic "blowing up" or "deadening" of them ... look forward to hearing how it unfolds ...

[Ivan]

Something weird is happening. It's like I'm sliding down into an emotional hole. I was trying to get myself back up, but it's not working. I did a session with my EFT coach here. It was really good and we could release some stuff, but now more is simmering beneath the surface. I feel that I'm becoming needy with women again. And the reactions are not that good. My plan is to just keep going. Go for more EFT sessions and focus on my goal to build my business. Important is not to force anything.