A breakthrough

[Ivan]

The story and my exploration in this realm continue. I spent the whole weekend with her and 'strangely' I felt really depressed today after she left. This is not the first time something like this happens and I was trying to explore this case.

Here's what I think causes the feelings (and these are of course just some of the points):

- old patterns of codependency. I start being afraid of looking at other women, or at least create a false sense to restriction for myself (so far no one explicitly said that I should not date nor look at other women). The strange thing is that while I write this, I feel some guilt of even wanting other women ("I should not have that feeling, if I am into some one").

- An unnatural attachment to a certain outcome or some 'rules', that is: now that we have slept with each other, we are only allowed to sleep with each other and no one else.

By unnatural, I mean that it comes from beliefs and not from desire to be with that person.

- Being in a dissociated state, lacking passion in life. The job that I'm doing is such a spirit crushing thing, that all my liveliness and passion are being sucked out of me. The reason I'm saying this is that whenever I have vacation for a longer period I feel vibrant and alive and much more present.

Luckily, the latter situation will change soon (I hope for the better ).

So, I realized that I feel attracted to a girl, when I am detached to any rules and there is enough chemistry and the options are open at all times. It's all about the feeling of freedom and adventure.

However, after writing all of this, maybe the only reason is that I'm just not attracted enough to her. She is very introverted. Always in her head. It's funny, cause this was the EXACT type of girl I would fall for in the past, but now I have changed so much that apparently I am looking for some one more outgoing and sexually present.


Ivan

[Ivan]

Still slowly plowing through resistance. At times it's so strong, that I feel sick. In fact, as I write this, I am taking a break from tapping on this issue.

I have thought a lot and came to some more conclusions.

A few years ago I went through a very powerful program by Zan Perrion: Ars Amorata, the 90 days transformation program. It was so transformative, that it changed me on a deep subconscious level. After that I realized that I am in love with women and that I want to meet as many of them as I can (of course with every one, a different level of involvement. With some just a conversation, with others a passionate relationship).

However, I also realize that this desire also clashes with my old beliefs and the beliefs of the society. If you meet a girl, you are not allowed to lay eyes on any other woman. As I write this, it sounds so ridiculous and not logical at all! When I walk outside, I see so many beautiful girls, many of them I'm sure fun and intelligent.

In fact, we have a new female colleague in the office. Really cute girl. I was already flirting with her (in a light non-sexual manner) and it was so much fun. So, why does the society (and most women) not allow me to be myself?

Also, how do I transition from this (almost) fantasy to a real world implementation?

Many guys I know live in this reality. More and more it becomes clear to me that I don't really crave intimacy and super deep connection at this stage of my life. I'm sure it will come, but now I am very clear on a path of creation of my future and am constantly expanding my comfort zone.

[Ivan]

btw. Any ideas what I can tap on for this issue?

[Erika Awakening]

You mean what to tap for not giving yourself permission to connect with all women?

[Ivan]

Good point! Ok, I am progressing! Last week my ego chatter was louder and more painful than before. It was almost unbearable, so I needed to do something about it!

I went to my weekly yoga/breathing session. It's VERY powerful and I always use it to connect to my intuition and find out solutions. This time I did the same. At the same time I am reading the book that was just released by Zan, one of my past mentors. It reminded me of some great lessons I learned before.

Anyway, during the meditation I got the message that I had to take the girl home that night and be very straight and honest with her. That's exactly what I did (but before doing that I had some drinks with her and her really cute room mate ).

We had a great night and I did talk to her. Maybe I wasn't as straightforward as planned, but it was good enough. I did feel liberated after that.

I'm starting to realize that this is a pattern that I've had for ever. I meet a girl, we hook up and I keep feeling more and more fear and resistance and push her away.

This time I decided to break that pattern! I just had a session with my coach Vince (you know who it is Erika ). He really helped me. So the goal here is to be in a state of experimentation and open, but playful expression. I will face my fears, but not by repressing them, but by playfully experimenting with expressing.

I can't guarantee I wont make mistakes, but this is a good thing.

Looking forward to continuing this journey.

---

ok, I am going to write down a list of emotions/limiting beliefs to tap on. Here are some:

- I am not allowed to connect to other/all women
- Fear of falling in love and being trapped
- Fear of falling in love and getting hurt
- I'm not allowed to have sex (or even thinking of having sex) with other women
- Fear of being trapped in a relationship

to be continued...

[Erika Awakening]

Thanks for sharing, Ivan.

Yes, that all sounds really helpful. Expression tends to be very liberating.

And beyond all that, is just questioning EVERYTHING. At this point, I am questioning seriously whether romantic relationships have any purpose at all. They seem to be mostly serving addictions for most people (emotional and physical addictions). And allowing people to be distracted for lengthy periods of time instead of doing their awakening. So from my perspective, let's question everything. Maybe we don't really want the options that are currently offered to us ...

[Ivan]

I don't necessarily agree with that last part, at least when it comes to my own life. Despite of the challenges I'm facing with this or the previous girl, I am experiencing definite improvement of life-quality. Here are some of the positive things:
- I love spending time with a woman. It definitely gives an extra dimension to life.
- I am learning more about myself
-My emotions are being awakened, which results in better intuition, better expression and musical ability (for my piano playing).
- I get more experience in relationships and in life.
- I feel better in general, I am more relaxed, I get better results at work.

To me life is all about progress. In all areas of life. So far I have greatly progressed on a career level, spiritual level, personal development. Now I want to get deeper into intimacy. It's a fascinating area that is worth exploring.

[Erika Awakening]

Cool, whatever works for you is all good

[Ivan]

ok, so I spent the whole weekend with her. we had so much fun! And yet, I was totally triggered and dissociated. I tapped for more than an hour today. On various emotions. First I started tapping on the sensations in my body: burning pain in chest, pressure in stomach, pressure in solar plexus etc. This is so awesome, that once you release the body sensations, some of the emotions automatically disappear.

Then I tapped on fear that I will hurt her. Guilt that I will for sure hurt her. Guilt that I am a bad person and many yucky emotions. It got much better! However, there is still work in progress.

My hope is that by doing this work I can transcend some of the issues that I've had for many years now.

It's so interesting. When I have sex with no attachment what so ever, it is usually quite good and I feel really happy and excitd afterwards. However, when it is associated to some kind of a commitment, I start losing interest and dissociate! It's an interesting observation that I need to investigate more.

Either this is because of my beliefs and pattersn which I need to release OR this is just because I don't respect my own needs (for example, not feeling obliged to do something I dont really want). In the latter case I need to learn how to express it!

interesting journey I must say

[Erika Awakening]

That is very interesting, Ivan, everything that you are noticing. Including the difference between non-committed and committed.

I tell ya, I have been tapping this stuff for years and I am not convinced the special relationship or sex can be salvaged. It seems possible to me that anxiety is part and parcel of the whole idea.